For me,

i'm so proud to admit this to myself.
and i honestly don't care anymore about how everything turns out,
which ways i fall,
whether it be up or down.
because despite the quandary i've placed myself in,
i know one thing is still true.
and i'll stick to that feeling until the day it's last light flickers off.
i've watched my walls crumble down all due to my lack of strength to keep them in place.
because this one thing,
this constant feeling,
has not slipped out of line.
not once yet, after all these storms have knocked me over.
i won't let this fade away from my sight,
because the stars are still in my skies at night,
as are the clouds in my days.
i'd embrace this weakness with my head held high if i knew the reaction i expect would be the one i'd recieve.

For the one hundred and thirthieth day,

could you have ever guessed this,
that you'd be here, i'd be there,
yet we would be apart?
what's left of what we were is hidden by what we are.
these predicaments tied too many knots in our string,
we are so distant, so far.
you're parallel to the place i reside.
we've transitioned:
from the autumn skies that bred warmer fingertips,
to the brisk winter air that set our steps in a standstill;
transformed.
into the two people we never knew could be found.
they've surfaced from under our nerves,
from behind the doors we kept locked,
even from beneath our facades.
because somewhere along all these days of waking up to the sun,
and falling asleep to words never spoken,
something slipped;
like the cloth on a perfectly set table.
nothing shattered,
everything stayed intact,
yet the backbone was gone,
and all we are left with are pieces that will always be missing something.
but will that something always be missed?
can we make up for the clouds we didn't see fly by?
can we find more snowflakes to watch fall from the sky?
maybe not,
because maybe i've wronged us, this, you, and i
in ways that no glue can bring back together.
i have mistaken myself to be someone i believed had left and wouldn't return.
i've become more displaced than this poem could ever be.
confusion has never been so revealing,
never made such sense.
the butterflies are caught in my throat,
the words sit in my gut.
but i'll swallow the thoughts i've been choking on,
and spit them out to you.
i've lost.
i've lost this battle,
but mostly you.
and in essence, i've lost myself.
because you have opened the doors i didn't possess keys to.
because you have given me new eyes to see the world through.
but i've never reciprocated that,
and i'm here to let you know,
that i now know it.
i now see it.
i've never been there for you,
i've never been all that i ever aspired to be, for you.
so take away another three points,
and i've lost,
in the worst way possible.
i've lost,
and i never saw this coming.

For never forgetting,

i know i've been the star that lost it's luster,
the snow that lacked glimmer,
and the sentences that were barren of words.
i'm a road with no end,
and i wish you could turn around,
take the last exit.
i don't want to drown you in my rain,
so grab an umbrella,
and turn around.
i'll close my eyes,
for it would kill what's left of me to watch you leave.
but you need to.
i need me,
you need you.
we're not in eachothers skies anymore,
i've gone this way,
you've gone the other.
i don't know where you're headed,
and i'm not sure where i'll end up,
but a part of me you'll stay forever.

For windows,

if i don't scream in your direction,
will you turn to look through the other window?
i used to be that one,
the one you always watched the sunrise behind.
just beyond the ledge,
you can see the clouds that mingle together with spontaneity,
making perfect pictures in the skies,
perfect pictures like the ones we used to find together.
we breathed in the air,
watching our own exhaled clouds float up to where we wanted to be.
i think you might be there finally,
mixed up with the other clouds that i could never reach.
and in the midst of my lack of sleep and overdriven dreams,
i'm whispering outside your window,
behind the glass,
the lock,
the key,
unable to be heard.

For the storm i'm in,

the sky feels empty, even with clouds.
the sun isn't warm, even while beating down.
yet i'm cold, and translucent wherever i go.
your voice is the thunder that wakes me in a storm, and it's still ringing though the rain has passed.
i never thought i'd need an umbrella,
i had you to shield me from the dampening skies.
i'll still never dry if i were to spend countless days not thinking of the sun.
it's hard to decipher it just yet,
but the calm before the storm doesn't exist,
there's never going to be one when it's all rendered.
i don't want to hide from the storm if that means i'll stay from you.
but i can't find a cloud that's no longer gray.
maybe this lightening will untangle our winds,
but i've learned to not count on faulty weather predictions.
i can't see when this rain will stop,
but i know i'll be left jumping into the puddles of the next storm.
i'll still stand here waiting for the clouds to clear,
these raindrops just aren't falling into my hands.

For my bird,

the wind brushes against my skin,
a single chill goes down my spine.
i look up, hoping to find a cloud to cover the sun from burning my eyes.
no clouds,
just overwhelming light i want to run from.
the tips of trees glow,
the dew on the grass glistens.
as i sit under the shadow of a tree i think to myself,
the skies are so frightening,
i'll never be up there,
out there,
spreading my wings.
i close my eyes to hide from it all,
hoping to open them to a new sky.
to my surprise, i opened my eyes to a change.
i lost my breath and stumbled as i watched the most peculiar bird soar up past the trees and into the sky above me.
no fear was visible,
no doubt,
and no hesitation held it back.
i wished to be that bird,
i wished to have that tenacity.
i held out my hand to be it's perch,
and i stared so far into its eyes,
i saw you deep down inside the midst of piercing green.
you catch my breath for me,
since i'm unable to speak.
but instead of staying put,
you flew up into the sky.
it took me just a minute to realize why.
you fly so high, so proud, so strong;
everything i'm not.
i smile.
the skies can be so clear, you show me.
i don't need clouds to hide me,
i need you, to watch over me.
the first time i spread my wings,
you watch me.
i can be a bird,
i can be like you,
i can be for you.
you push me to the edge of my brances,
and off i go.

For my lack of strength these days,

I don't see things the same anymore.
somewhere along the way my eyes have altered their sense of sight.
All the light is too bright,
I shield them a split second after opening.
All the surroundings are too intense,
I curl up into my instant nervous compression.
All the world is too immense for me,
I'm hiding inside my shell that I thought had broken.

From the words that singed my skin,
to the lies that broke me down before,
so long ago,
years ago,
I'm still recovering.
I know it's been a few minor details,
I know this was unintentional,
but I'm at a loss for breaths, and hope.

Thing is, I feared the ocean because it once overwhelmed me,
sweeping me under it's currents, filling every open wound with harsh waters.
My eyes stung shut.
They opened again, but the fear of the waves was still there;
it's still here,
beating inside of my body in a place I can't seem to find.

I'm digging myself deeper trying to make these amends for what I've caused.
I'm sorry,
and only a million times could portray the slightest portion of how much I mean it.
It's not that I don't believe,
it's not that I don't trust,
It's not even that I don't love,
because I do.

What my predicament is,
is the fact that I can't accept all that you've given to me.
And subconsiously, and regrettingly, I await the next wave,
because that's all I've ever known.