For my lack of strength these days,

I don't see things the same anymore.
somewhere along the way my eyes have altered their sense of sight.
All the light is too bright,
I shield them a split second after opening.
All the surroundings are too intense,
I curl up into my instant nervous compression.
All the world is too immense for me,
I'm hiding inside my shell that I thought had broken.

From the words that singed my skin,
to the lies that broke me down before,
so long ago,
years ago,
I'm still recovering.
I know it's been a few minor details,
I know this was unintentional,
but I'm at a loss for breaths, and hope.

Thing is, I feared the ocean because it once overwhelmed me,
sweeping me under it's currents, filling every open wound with harsh waters.
My eyes stung shut.
They opened again, but the fear of the waves was still there;
it's still here,
beating inside of my body in a place I can't seem to find.

I'm digging myself deeper trying to make these amends for what I've caused.
I'm sorry,
and only a million times could portray the slightest portion of how much I mean it.
It's not that I don't believe,
it's not that I don't trust,
It's not even that I don't love,
because I do.

What my predicament is,
is the fact that I can't accept all that you've given to me.
And subconsiously, and regrettingly, I await the next wave,
because that's all I've ever known.

For the past painters,

bestowed upon a cheap winter sky,
we watercolored this pigment together.
now you've gone with the paint,
and i'm alone with the brush.
and as i lay on the shoreline,
i solemnly await to hear your voice;
screaming at me over the thunder.
i can portray raindrops from the clouds,
even without your vapid paint.

For questioning creation,

maybe this is it.
maybe it really is what we think it is,
and that's what keeps us on the edge of our seats;
anticipating what we already expect.
why? how?
constant questions we know the answer to.
isn't it strange, you know, how things came to be this way.
one consistant quarrel in my head is the wonder of why I am me, and not someone else.
why this body,
this brain,
this heart?
can it really be luck of the draw when I was created, and when every other walking creature was?
even as an agnostic,
i'm stuck, contemplating possibilities of who's in charge of all of this?
was I made with the intention of being this way, of accomplishing these things?
is this too much analyzation,
or too little thought put into a catastrophic idea?
i wonder if this is it,
and if this life is just a fragment of something our minds will never have the ability to comprehend.
i don't know how to live in the moment,
because i don't know what is the moment,
and when the next one is coming,
or even when this one ends.

For your lack of control,

standing under my cloud that sheltered my ineptitude,
i lost sight of the skies beyond.
losing the comfort of my protective shadow has only let the suns rays sink in deeper,
deeper into the flesh that's already chapped from winds in unexpected directions.
and through the weather's harsh shifts and changes,
i watched my cloud slowly disperse,
only to reconnect as soon as the waters evaporated.
as the stars fell from above my dilating cloud,
i was showered with your eye's rain.
i thought i could swim through it,
i thought i could bear your acres of contemplations,
yet i'm still here,
but with a new umbrella.
your dilemmas patched the holes in my obscurity.
i'm sinking in your puddle.

For tomorrow, December 8th,

65 days agp,
and it's still here,
still rapidly growing a part of me.

all those days before this day,
i sat on a bench that i'd so frequently passed by without a stopping glance.

there were knots in my stomach that day,
accompanied by a shaky skip in my step;
ones that only seemed to grow as the autumn sky faded into dusk.

the silences lost their awkwardness,
and nervous smiles became laughs in the blink of an eye.

and when wasted cups were thrown away,
footsteps on cooling pavement embarked.

stars peeked from behind early evening clouds,
hands tightened; entwined into eachother.

together, jumping on yellow painted strips of finite roads led to the infamous seat;
the ignored seat behind graceful spurts of glowing water.
it started at that precise moment in time.

the nerves that flew up into the sky,
the wind that sent tiny chills down my spine.
not until then noticing how bright the moon shone over the whistling treetops.

whispers were even too quiet when words of such great content were spoken.

and with fixated stomachs and hungry eyes,
the only choice was to listen, feel, let our senses reach their pinnacles,
before clocks caught up with us, and crickets began chirping.

slowly but discreetly, the clouds dispersed into the new found night sky,
and i walked the lifeless pavement alone,
with the evenings feeling of perfected fate lingering on my lips.

-

about 1,179 hours ago,
it all started, the it that changed something inside of me.
the light that lost it's flicker inside me has started up again.

is it odd to think that all these weeks,
all those days,
all those minutes that have passed,
meaning has never been lost?

i'm perplexed at this moment,
constantly filled to the brim with ease.

every morning when i wake up,
i see your face.
every afternoon when i'm lost,
i feel your presence.
every night when i'm dozing off,
i hear your voice that keeps my eyes open just a few minutes more.

maybe this is just one of my quirks you have yet to unveil,
but i feel this is right,
in a way that goes beyond what should be right.

calm down,
it's an optimistic beyond-right feeling.

is it strange to you that after all this time,
you and i are still attached,
as if sewn together at our hearts?

what's strange to me, is good all the same,
but i wonder where this is going.
but please don't worry,
because i'm wondering with anticipating,
reputable anticipation.

i wonder where you're going to take me next,
what i'm going to feel in a matter of days, or even hours.

i look forward to our upcoming moments in the same way i look at what's already elapsed,
in a way that's exciting, exultent, and captivated.

so here's to only a short but frenzied matter of time
that has left footprints all over my life.
and here's to acceptance, passion, and love in a way i've never known before.

stay by my side,
through whatevers to come,
through whatevers to happen.

it's now been 1,180 hours,
and the sense that flowed throughout my body the first day i sat upon the bench,
still rests inside of my head and heart.